Loutallica and The Insane White Posse

Okay, so Lou Reed and Metallica are doing an album. Fine. The guy behind Metal Machine Music hooking up with LarsCo should surprise no one. The album covers looks like something Tool left on the cutting-room floor, but whatevs. Good for them. Maybe it won't suck.

But Jack White cutting a song with the Insane Clown Posse? The news made me a little sad inside. And it's not because I consider ICP unworthy of the Hipster Sage of Nashville. The White Stripes are hardly cultivated. And it's not because I find ICP so repellent and loathsome that the very mention of their name inspires violence. Fat kids who can't read need music, too.

No, I find the ICP's self-conception completely at odds with what they actually do. If they were just another (c)rap-rock band from the sticks, then there would be nothing specifically objectionable about them. At the very least, they don't consider themselves sex gods like Fred Durst clearly does.

But ICP seems to think of themselves as artists, the leaders of a movement of the dispossessed, and speakers of a primal truth. They think that every thing they do, from their juvenile name on down, is terribly terribly clever. That annoys me more than any goofy makeup or sprayed Faygo.

But if you listen to the song, and you don't laugh, then there's probably something wrong with you. Because it's a cover of a Mozart song called "Leck Mich am Arsch" ("lick me in the ass," the German equivalent of "get stuffed"). Underground classical ditty about nothing? How can ICP not be perfect for that?

Insane Clown Posse - Leck Mich Im Arsch by Third Man Records

It's Like Christmas 2: Filter Gives Us Another Fucking List of Records They Like

Double-thanks for not even doing it at the year's proper midpoint, you whores.

Let's see what they picked:

1. Fleet Foxes -- Helplessness Blues. "I gave my love a cherry that had no stone...."
2. Paul Simon -- So Beautiful or So What. The latter.
3. Battles -- Gloss Drop. Coming Soon to an Ice Capades near you.
4. Explosions in the Sky -- Take Care, Take Care, Take Care. You Suck, You Suck, You Suck.
5. James Blake -- James Blake. James Blake.
6. Panda Bear -- Tomboy. As a rule, I hate any record that anyone uses the word "lush" to review. It invariably promises lame techno tricks disguised as deep feeling. I wonder if you're legally required to present your removed testicles to Filter before they bestow the moniker.
7. Other Lives -- Tamer Animals. The White Stripes died for this?
8. Gang Gang Dance -- Eye Contact. Oh, dear. Someone seems to have murdered Florence + the Machine and then resurrected them with some kind of voodoo ceremony into the bodies of Sailor Moon characters. My wife will be so unhappy.
9. Iron & Wine -- Kiss Each Other Clean. 'Natch.
10. Danger Mouse & Daniele Luppi -- Rome. I loves ya, DM, honest I do. But why you brought Jack White in for his singing voice on an orchestral record like this defies my imagination. Also, where the hell is Penfold?
11. R.E.M. -- Collapse Into Now. Grampa done woke up, and he wants him some loud git-tar before  his afternoon constitutional. But don't keep it up too long, or he'll start a-mumblin' agin.
12. Shabazz Palaces -- Black Up. Because what Hip-Hop needs is a lounge act that gives its songs Fiona-Apple-Style names.
13. Beastie Boys -- Hot Sauce Commitee Part Two. OMG Remember Back to the Future?
14. Floating Action -- Desert Etiquete. I got bored listening to the samples and went and listened to Vincebus Eruptum by Blue Cheer for the first time instead. Now I have to decide if I want it on iTunes or CD.
15. Black Lips -- Arabia Mountain. Do you think that if these guys step into the same room as the Black Angels, the fabric of Space-Time will rip? Or will they just cancel each other out?
16. J Mascis -- Several Shades of Why. Yet none explain why everyone decided midway through the last decade that everybody has to pretend to be a folkie.
17. The Dodos -- No Color. Especially when there are perfectly good real folkies, like these guys.
18. Bill Callahan -- Apocalypse. Or this guy.
19. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. -- It's a Corporate World. The band name isn't funny. The album name isn't funny. What's funny is this guy singing "We Almost Lost Detroit" with sincerity. Like, "Whew! The Motor City Sure Dodged a Bullet That Time!"
20. The Sea and Cake -- The Moonlight Butterfly. This isn't a bad band. They play the same indie-folkie-pop as everyone else on this list, but they play it well. But this album represents the nadir of post-modern musical packaging. To wit: the band is called "The Sea and Cake." Two things that, in most circumstances, have nothing whatever to do with one another. What does this mean? What does it evoke? NOTHING.  The album is called "The Moonlight Butterfly." Not "The Moonlit Butterfly," which would create a specific, and lovely, image. No, it's "The Moonlight Butterfly," which means NOTHING. And what's the cover art? A pencil drawing of an elephant on yellow.

The Major Lazer Video

To be blunt, I lacked the courage to respond with Andrew Earle's tart invective. The experience pole-axed me, and I still can't express my reaction in anything like critical terms.

No, I'm not going to link it. You know how to use the Internet.